Why Love Isn’t Selfless, Love is Selfish – Teal Swan

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Why Love Isn't Selfless, Love is Selfish. In this video I'll explain why love is selfish and not why love isn't selfless.

To generalize, wherever you go in the world, in human society selflessness is a huge value. At face value, this seems like a good thing. After all, if everyone was just running around in a self-centered way doing whatever they wanted, regardless of who it negatively impacted, social wellbeing and especially social order would be hard to maintain.

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Video References:

Suffer so I can Feel Loved Relationship Dynamic: 6:27

Incompatibility: a harsh reality in relationships: 9:42

Self Sacrifice the most self centered thing in the world: 10:47

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Teal Swan is a personal transformation revolutionary. She was born with a range of extrasensory abilities and is a survivor of severe childhood abuse. Today she uses her gifts as well as her own harrowing life experience to inspire millions of people towards authenticity, freedom and joy and teaching people how to transform their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain.

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32 Comments

  1. I mean showing love for someone or something can bring a sense of satisfaction for yourself so I can see that.

    • and theres nothing wrong with that , thats the point, everyone is happy

    • Agree, and “the beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
      ~ Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island Be willing to be ignored and even despised.

  2. I needed to be reminded of this……thank you Teal, sending so much love and gratitude💜

  3. Not even one minute in and you already got me. That’s what I always think, but never dare saying it out loud.

  4. I was completely unaware of this shadow, this video caught me off guard, I’ll have some fun working through this.
    Also, I love how happy and expressive Teal looked on this video! I giggled the whole time watching it!

  5. Incredible timing. I’m going through a hurdle. A second person in my family who has conditioned me to “be selfless” for their sake is about to pass away. The first I had to distance from when they passed. Now that it’s the second time I’m having trouble choosing between distance and helping. I want to help but not with shaming for obvious reasons. I unfortunately was really messed up by my family being that way,I went from giving into their ideas of selflessness to total numbness and cynicism.. it made me doubt other people’s genuine emotions and affection and that harmed my relationships and self worth. Living with this pattern in my caretakers made me feel like a monster. It took years to not feel selfish and get the balance I still feel like I’ve failed them even if I was a kid back then. So this topic is dear to me. And generational. My father was a little Derek, he was the first who passed. Made my life hell. Now his mother(my grandmother)is at risk. I would hope this ends with me. Thank you..

    • Wow, I’m in a very similar situation and just responded about it in a comment though it sounds like you might be ahead of me in the “balance” area. I’m still in resentful/angry/struggling not to see myself as a selfish monster phase. Very difficult.

    • @ca mez what helped for me was to realize they are also a response to their parents and so on and so forth about their beliefs on how they must raise us….or treat us if you’re not dealing with family. Due to that…everyone’s just doing their best. And sometimes their best is faulty. So we have to self forgive. If they wouldn’t and only choose love when we bend it’s probably because they were taught that too or are protecting themselves from something too and so on…. Break the chain , but take your time to grieve because it really isn’t easy. The lost time and how we sometimes give up on ourselves because of that.

  6. Yup. After growing up with codependents, I don’t mess with people who claim to be acting in my interest at the expense of their own. That just tells me their repressed self interest is going to bubble up in resentment and manipulation.

    • I grew up in the shadow of a rescuer dad, a hero loved by all, and struggled my whole life with falling short. Now, as an adult living back with/helping him and my mom with dementia, I see the pattern from a new perspective and feel both relieved to know that I’m not actually a monster (still struggling with that one, though) and deeply resentful towards him for how much time I wasted feeling like a selfish loser all my life. We fight often, and it’s making the situation depressing, especially because my siblings who don’t live here either pop in to drop off food or call from another state, and always get fun, cheerful, “selfless” dad, and not crabby, controlling, passive-aggressive dad. So I continue to be the odd woman out, the one who won’t get onboard the “this is just how families work” train. It’s not how I thought I’d be spending these years. I feel trapped.

      Edit – to clarify: it’s just my mom who has dementia, not my dad

  7. Clickbait: sunset at the lighthouse at Podersdorf on the Neusiedler See in Austria behind Teal on the video thumbnail sold me.

  8. “Love isn’t selfless, it’s selfish” 🤔 hmm
    It’s both & everything in between. It’s perfectly polarized. And when we talk about it in terms of people (ourselves & others), it’s a perfectly polarized mirror. So, love is selfless AND selfish. You cannot give it without receiving it & you cannot refuse someone of it without refusing yourself of it. One isn’t better or worse than the other, its all love & it just is. The giver &/or receiver decides if it’s accepted or not. Decides if it’s needed or not, worthy or not, etc. But because you are me & I am you, the giving & receiving is both accepted and not accepted. Perfect polarization.
    …..damn I should probably watch the video though lol

  9. You should be selfish , I wasn’t. You just end up draining yourself and building resentment low key

  10. Offspring: The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right!? Lol. Thanks Teal!! Love your stuff!

  11. You have no idea how in sync this video was to my experience currently. Woah.

  12. I’ve come to learn this after listening to her explanation of male containment, I experimented by expressing selfish desire for containment of a woman I know who responded quite favorably to it. Just became a realization that there’s room to be human in this world and helped me to integrate the fragments of myself in that area. I say this to say many people suffer from deep trauma that not only fragments themself but in turn fragments the society they live in, causing a domino effect of trauma. If we learn to re-integrate the parts of ourselves that we’ve fragmented from, we can become whole beings again and maybe life can commence in a more peaceful and content way than it has in our relatively recent past.

    • “domino effect of trauma” – yep. The evil twin of paying it forward. And seemingly more prevalent 😢

  13. There was this guy that was saying if your partner has a foot fetish and you love having your feet rubbed let them do it. And I remember thinking “then he’s not doing it for me” the idea of him getting pleasure out of it too made me think that it’s almost not fair. Ugh thanks for opening our eyes once again Teal

  14. Literally spoke to my fiance about this last night. I was saying how it’s ironic that what our society views as love is actually quite selfish.

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